10w2d Anxious

It is a long slow wait until my next ultrasound in mid-January. I have ordered a doppler, but it seems to be making its way to my home on foot, and is not due here for another week. Although the queasiness, fatigue, back-pain, and swollen breasts continue, it is not the concrete proof that I would like that everything is progressing well with this pregnancy.

My husband, on the other side, seems to have accepted the fact that our family will welcome another member in August next year. He is busy reading "First Time Parent" and making a long list of all the tasks that must be completed before then. He wants to start painting the nursery and buying furniture. The other day he started asking me questions like if we should alternate bottle with breast at night to allow me to get more sleep, and if we should use a crib in the nursery rather than a co-sleeper in our bedroom.

I responded to his thoughtful questions by bursting into tears. For me, it is all I can do to get through the next two weeks until the Week 12 scan. For him, he figures I've got the pregnancy handled, and his job starts in August. I am thinking fetus, and he is thinking newborn. I am so thankful that he realises that he is an equal partner in the upbringing of our child, but sometimes his go-go attitude is a little intimidating, especially when I can barely muster the energy to get off the couch.

9w2d: Happy

Today was supposed to be the day of my post-failure consultation with my RE. We were going to discuss strategies to improve my endometrium thickness during the next round of stimulation. I was going to be leaving today with a cooler full of medication, ready to start my suppression injections.

Instead, here I am, pregnant, and less than three weeks away from my week 12 scan. I don't know how one can be in shock for more than a month, but I still feel blown away by our luck.

On Tuesday we had our first appointment with an obstetrician. I had expected just a quick interview with a few routine questions, but they were very thorough. Full medical history, weight, height, blood pressure, urine test, and six vials of blood. They tested for anti-RBC Abs, STIs (syphilis, HIV, hepatitis, chlamydia ), infections (rubella, toxoplasmosis, CMV), blood type, hormones (TSF), and did a full RBC and WBC. I smiled as she said that since it had been over three months since my last SDI screen at the fertility clinic, they had better run it again. I guess they figure I must have gotten pregnant somehow.

Best of all, before she started the consultation, she gave us a quick peak at the embryo with an ultrasound. I whipped off my pants before she had time to realise that we had already had a scan last week, and we were greeted with a happy looking blob on the screen. I was a bit worried at first, as I couldn't see the heart beating and it looked the same size as last week. However, she she pointed out the heartbeat and measuring the embryo as measuring 9w3d, three days ahead of schedule.

Ultrasound and belly photos here.

Overall, I am feeling fantastic. I feel nauseous unless I am constantly nibbling on simple carbohydrates, which might explain the 4 kg increase in weight over the past two months. I however like to think that I am just growing the most comfortable womb ever. I have back pain if I twist or bend down, and heart palpitations keep me awake during the night. I am always thirsty, and I love pineapple and orange juice. My breasts are larger and slightly sore.

I love being pregnant. I was never convinced that this would happen for me, and I love every day that this little embryo grows inside me.

8w0d Everything looks perfect

We walked into the shiny new ultrasound department of the hospital, just unveiled a few weeks ago. Lots of space, new machines, and they even called us in 5 minutes early. The doctor was great. She quickly went through our history and confirmed that I had previously miscarried, and then moved immediately to the ultrasound. She delicately stated that at this stage, they get better resolutions with a vaginal scan, and I told her that wasn't a problem, I was used to those.

Pants off and then I was sitting up in the chair, watching my uterus pop up on the TV screen on the wall. A few seconds in, and she said "and there is the heartbeat", and I saw a cute little bean in a gestational sac, with a flicker inside. My poor husband was just confused, I guess he hasn't been watching as many ultrasound YouTube videos as I have, so it took him a bit longer to understand what he was seeing. At one stage he thought he saw whiskers.

She then spent a while measuring everything and checking my ovaries for cysts. She measured the heartbeat at 140 bpm, and told us that they switch the sound on the machine after about 10 weeks. The estimated gestational age was 8w1d, one day ahead. Photo can be found here.

She went away to check the measurements with her supervisor, then came back and said everything looks fine. She said congratulations, enjoy your pregnancy. I said Thank-you. Then we went and made an appointment with a gynecologist for next week, and for a NT scan at 12 weeks.

Afterwards I sat outside in the waiting area with my husband in shock. What a surprise. I am supposed to be starting my Gonal-F injections next week, yet somehow I am already half-way through the first trimester. I am so, so, thankful that we received such wonderful news today.

7w6d Tomorrow

I have seen a lot of scans of my uterus over the past few years. I even have a few photos from my laparoscopy. Yet I have no idea what I will see tomorrow.

One one hand, the queasiness, fatigue, sore breasts and lower back pain suggests that I might be gestating something. On the other hand, these symptoms are all psychosomatic, and I know of plenty of women who have received terrible news at their first ultrasound scan.

Seeing a heartbeat tomorrow is both imaginable and completely impossible.

Tomorrow, we open Schrodinger's box, and hope he didn't share it with Pandora.

7w0d Waiting

Today marks my seventh week of pregnancy, if indeed that is what I am. My husband likes to remind me that I can only claim five weeks of this as the true post-conception period. It has been three weeks since I saw those two pink lines. One more week until our first ultrasound.

During our last pregnancy, we had our ultrasound at seven weeks and received the news that I had already miscarried, like we suspected. This time around, I am feeling a little more hopeful. My betas were strong and doubling, I am feeling constantly queasy and tired, and I have not even had a single spot of spotting.

I am trying not to think about what any of this means until after the ultrasound. I keep imagining alternative scenarios - will we see a thriving little bouncing bean, or will we see nothing but a still and silent sorrow?

Seven days to go.

Grateful

Thank-you all for your excited comments and congratulations. There were over 100 exclamation points in your replies. I was really moved to read such excitement, especially as many of you have been through so much more than we have, and you are still waiting for your own good news.

Many of you asked why I didn't announce this sooner. There were two main reasons.

1. I wanted to wait for my husband to come back home so that I could share this news with him in person.

2. I am still skeptical that this all means what everyone think it means. Sure, I have an exponentially increasing amount of hCG in my serum, and I feel a little queasy and tired, and I haven't seen my period for over 6 weeks, but still, I don't know.

I look at those pictures of month-old fish-like embryos and read phrases like "the neural tube closes" and "small buds will soon become arms" and "heart contractions start", and they all sound preposterous. I bought a pregnancy book but then put it away because it seemed completely irrelevant.

I find myself remembering all over again 100 times a day, and every time it surprises me. I have spent so many years day-dreaming about getting pregnant that this feels like just another fantasy.

As I said before, pregnancy is what happens to other people. Not me. And especially not without an embryologist.

Twelve days until my first ultrasound. I hope to see some wonderful sights that day that change my mind.