Thank-you all for your excited comments and congratulations. There were over 100 exclamation points in your replies. I was really moved to read such excitement, especially as many of you have been through so much more than we have, and you are still waiting for your own good news.
Many of you asked why I didn't announce this sooner. There were two main reasons.
1. I wanted to wait for my husband to come back home so that I could share this news with him in person.
2. I am still skeptical that this all means what everyone think it means. Sure, I have an exponentially increasing amount of hCG in my serum, and I feel a little queasy and tired, and I haven't seen my period for over 6 weeks, but still, I don't know.
I look at those pictures of month-old fish-like embryos and read phrases like "the neural tube closes" and "small buds will soon become arms" and "heart contractions start", and they all sound preposterous. I bought a pregnancy book but then put it away because it seemed completely irrelevant.
I find myself remembering all over again 100 times a day, and every time it surprises me. I have spent so many years day-dreaming about getting pregnant that this feels like just another fantasy.
As I said before, pregnancy is what happens to other people. Not me. And especially not without an embryologist.
Twelve days until my first ultrasound. I hope to see some wonderful sights that day that change my mind.
Showing posts with label worry. Show all posts
Showing posts with label worry. Show all posts
Thursday, 2 December 2010
Thursday, 4 November 2010
FET#1: Cancelled
Oh yes, that word that is heard far too often in the Land of IF: "Cancelled".
Our poor little 6-celled embryo did not survive the thaw.
When the clinic rang this morning, I could tell by the tone of her voice that it wasn't good news. Then she confirmed this by saying "I am afraid that I don't have good news". I knew that we had a 40% chance of cancellation, as we only had one embryo to defrost. So this was not entirely unexpected.
But then she surprised me. She said that I had to have a meeting with The Professor before we started our next fresh cycle. I told her that, no, we just had a meeting with The Professor, and we had agreed on a new protocol for the fresh cycle. She told me, no, my file said that I had to have another meeting first. I told her that wasn't necessary. She told me it was. Fine, I said, and asked her when the next appointment was available.
December 23
That's seven weeks from now. I have to wait seven weeks to have a 10 minute conversation in which The Professor tells us what we already know. Look, I enjoy talking with The Professor as he is quite knowledgeable and can answer some of our questions. But I am not willing to wait seven weeks for the privilege. Last time we had the appointment, he had already reviewed our chart and determined a protocol. Nothing that we said changed this protocol. It was a reassuring meeting, but hardly medically necessary.
I am thinking of sending the clinic an email like this:
What do you think? Am I over-reacting to a seven week wait? And how do I tell them that I don't want to wait for a consultation appointment, but I do want to ask them to add estrogen and sildenafil to my next cycle?
Our poor little 6-celled embryo did not survive the thaw.
When the clinic rang this morning, I could tell by the tone of her voice that it wasn't good news. Then she confirmed this by saying "I am afraid that I don't have good news". I knew that we had a 40% chance of cancellation, as we only had one embryo to defrost. So this was not entirely unexpected.
But then she surprised me. She said that I had to have a meeting with The Professor before we started our next fresh cycle. I told her that, no, we just had a meeting with The Professor, and we had agreed on a new protocol for the fresh cycle. She told me, no, my file said that I had to have another meeting first. I told her that wasn't necessary. She told me it was. Fine, I said, and asked her when the next appointment was available.
That's seven weeks from now. I have to wait seven weeks to have a 10 minute conversation in which The Professor tells us what we already know. Look, I enjoy talking with The Professor as he is quite knowledgeable and can answer some of our questions. But I am not willing to wait seven weeks for the privilege. Last time we had the appointment, he had already reviewed our chart and determined a protocol. Nothing that we said changed this protocol. It was a reassuring meeting, but hardly medically necessary.
I am thinking of sending the clinic an email like this:
On September 23 we met with [The Professor] to discuss our treatment options. He told us that there was a 40% chance that our upcoming FET cycle would be cancelled due to the embryo failing to survive the thaw. We discussed our treatment options for the next fresh cycle if the FET cycle was unsuccessful. [The Professor] recommended an injectable GnRH-agonist instead of nasal buserelin, and the use of recombinant Gonal-F instead of urine-derived Menopur.
Today we learned that our FET cycle was cancelled because the embryo did not survive the thaw. However, I was told that we were required to wait another seven weeks for another meeting with [The Professor] before we can begin our next fresh cycle.
I understand that [Fertility Clinic] is a large and busy practise that deals with hundreds of patients every month. [The Professor] works many hours as an academic, a researcher, and a clinician. We appreciate the fact that he is very willing to take the time to meet with all of his patients one-on-one, and we understand that he meets with a large number of patients.
However, we do not feel that this appointment is strictly necessary, and we would love to be able to begin another fresh cycle as soon as possible. Is there any way that we could commence the next cycle earlier without having this appointment first? Or if a consultation appointment is essential, could we meet with another doctor in the clinic if they have an earlier slot available? We are also open to consultations via email or telephone.
What do you think? Am I over-reacting to a seven week wait? And how do I tell them that I don't want to wait for a consultation appointment, but I do want to ask them to add estrogen and sildenafil to my next cycle?
Wednesday, 20 October 2010
FET#1: CD2
I don't know what's wrong with me.
We were at a dinner party over the weekend, filled with strangers. I had my first inkling that there could be a problem when the hostess said to me "I hope you like children, because there will be plenty of them here tonight". I blink and suddenly the house is full of them, running and playing and babbling and crawling. Then one of the fathers comes over to me and says loudly "Are kids in your future? You can have our two if you want!".
I get a sudden sinking feeling when I realise that I am going to burst into tears, right in the middle of the party. I walk away from the father, leaving my husband to reply, and stumble into the first room that I find. Luckily it was the bathroom, and I let myself have a few big sobs before trying to pull myself together. I was so mortified that someone would see my swollen eyes and I would ruin the evening.
I manage to make it through the rest of the party with the help of a few glasses of wine, and just ignoring anyone who probed into our childlessness. I even offered mock sympathy to one woman who said to me "It's been so long since I could drink wine, unfortunately I got pregnant with our second child as soon as I stopped breastfeeding our first".
~~~
When we first went to our fertility clinic, they told us that they had psychologists on staff if we ever needed counselling. I smiled at them, thinking that I wasn't one of "those" women with the Baby Crazies. I knew how lucky I was already and I wasn't going to let a short delay in procreation ruin my day.
My life is wonderful. I have so much for which to be thankful.
Yet I just burst into tears in public.
Is there something wrong with me?
We were at a dinner party over the weekend, filled with strangers. I had my first inkling that there could be a problem when the hostess said to me "I hope you like children, because there will be plenty of them here tonight". I blink and suddenly the house is full of them, running and playing and babbling and crawling. Then one of the fathers comes over to me and says loudly "Are kids in your future? You can have our two if you want!".
I get a sudden sinking feeling when I realise that I am going to burst into tears, right in the middle of the party. I walk away from the father, leaving my husband to reply, and stumble into the first room that I find. Luckily it was the bathroom, and I let myself have a few big sobs before trying to pull myself together. I was so mortified that someone would see my swollen eyes and I would ruin the evening.
I manage to make it through the rest of the party with the help of a few glasses of wine, and just ignoring anyone who probed into our childlessness. I even offered mock sympathy to one woman who said to me "It's been so long since I could drink wine, unfortunately I got pregnant with our second child as soon as I stopped breastfeeding our first".
When we first went to our fertility clinic, they told us that they had psychologists on staff if we ever needed counselling. I smiled at them, thinking that I wasn't one of "those" women with the Baby Crazies. I knew how lucky I was already and I wasn't going to let a short delay in procreation ruin my day.
My life is wonderful. I have so much for which to be thankful.
Yet I just burst into tears in public.
Is there something wrong with me?
Monday, 20 September 2010
IVF#1: BFN
Well, it's official. After getting my period yesterday, I was expecting a zero on my beta today, and that's what I got: Not pregnant. I was quite sad yesterday, which worried my husband. He doesn't like seeing me so down, and just wants me to be happy. But I can tell that he will make a wonderful father, so I think it is appropriate for me to be disappointed that I won't get to see him in that role just yet.
The nurse told me that I could start my FET cycle right away if I wanted, but annoyingly I will be away for work next week, so it will have to wait another month. We are always waiting, aren't we?
We have my follow-up consultation with the head of the clinic on Thursday. To summarise this cycle: BCPs, Suprefact supression, 14 days 150u Menopur, 9 eggs retrieved, 7 mature, 7 fertilised (without ICSI), a Day 3 transfer of a 7-celled embryo, and a single 6-celled embryo frozen.
These are my questions for the Professor:
FET cycle
• How fragmented was our 6-cell embryo at freeze?
• What are the chances that this embryo will survive the thaw?
Next fresh cycle
• Given that no embryo reached the 8-cell stage, what are our chances of success in future fresh cycles?
o Does our history of a chemical pregnancy and miscarriage influence this?
• Will I be on a different drug regime next time around?
Donor embryos
• Can you tell us about your frozen embryo program?
o Does the six month waiting period apply for every frozen donor embryo transfer?
o What criteria do you use to match couples with embryos?
• Can we sign up for donor embryos now while still attempting our own cycles?
Thank-you all for your support during this difficult process. Can you guys suggest any other questions that you think might be appropriate to ask?
The nurse told me that I could start my FET cycle right away if I wanted, but annoyingly I will be away for work next week, so it will have to wait another month. We are always waiting, aren't we?
We have my follow-up consultation with the head of the clinic on Thursday. To summarise this cycle: BCPs, Suprefact supression, 14 days 150u Menopur, 9 eggs retrieved, 7 mature, 7 fertilised (without ICSI), a Day 3 transfer of a 7-celled embryo, and a single 6-celled embryo frozen.
These are my questions for the Professor:
FET cycle
• How fragmented was our 6-cell embryo at freeze?
• What are the chances that this embryo will survive the thaw?
Next fresh cycle
• Given that no embryo reached the 8-cell stage, what are our chances of success in future fresh cycles?
o Does our history of a chemical pregnancy and miscarriage influence this?
• Will I be on a different drug regime next time around?
Donor embryos
• Can you tell us about your frozen embryo program?
o Does the six month waiting period apply for every frozen donor embryo transfer?
o What criteria do you use to match couples with embryos?
• Can we sign up for donor embryos now while still attempting our own cycles?
Thank-you all for your support during this difficult process. Can you guys suggest any other questions that you think might be appropriate to ask?
Thursday, 19 August 2010
Cleared for take-off
I had my baseline check today, and we are cleared for stimulation.
I was a little put-off by the midwife who did the scan for me this morning. She wasn't very gentle with the wand, and she couldn't even find my left ovary. She just told me that it would stand out if there was a cyst on it, so it must be okay if she can't see it. Nor did she do a blood test.
I told her that I responded very quickly to Menopur, so she booked me an appointment for Tuesday (day 6 of stims), only to call me and move it to Wednesday (day 7 of stims).
I am not very good about standing up for myself. I don't know what is normal and what is not. Should I have requested a baseline blood test? Should I have insisted on a Day 6 scan? Or do I just need to relax and trust that this clinic knows what they're doing?
I was a little put-off by the midwife who did the scan for me this morning. She wasn't very gentle with the wand, and she couldn't even find my left ovary. She just told me that it would stand out if there was a cyst on it, so it must be okay if she can't see it. Nor did she do a blood test.
I told her that I responded very quickly to Menopur, so she booked me an appointment for Tuesday (day 6 of stims), only to call me and move it to Wednesday (day 7 of stims).
I am not very good about standing up for myself. I don't know what is normal and what is not. Should I have requested a baseline blood test? Should I have insisted on a Day 6 scan? Or do I just need to relax and trust that this clinic knows what they're doing?
Wednesday, 11 August 2010
The Miscarriage Club
A few months ago, I heard about an English-speaking IVF support group in my area. It was organised by this wonderful woman who, despite six unsuccessful IVFs, is willing to host monthly get-togethers of women involved in IVF.
Four of us met for dinner last night to share war stories and offer support. It was very liberating to talk about injections and ultrasounds, blood tests and urine tests. We all had miscarriage stories to tell, so many stories of hope and worry and disappointment.
We talked about anxiety, and about how there is no magical point at which one can stop worrying. The second beta, the second trimester, even birth - each milestone acheived brings with it new dangers and concerns.
Realising this, I am trying to remind myself that either everything will go well, or it won't. It is unlikely that worrying about an issue will change the outcome. So I am trying to enjoy the journey, treasure all the gifts that each day brings, and know that if something bad happens we will deal with it as best we can.
It is a great comfort of me to find this support network, to know that I am part of a wonderful supportive network of women who live nearby. I am looking forward to the next meeting in September.
Four of us met for dinner last night to share war stories and offer support. It was very liberating to talk about injections and ultrasounds, blood tests and urine tests. We all had miscarriage stories to tell, so many stories of hope and worry and disappointment.
We talked about anxiety, and about how there is no magical point at which one can stop worrying. The second beta, the second trimester, even birth - each milestone acheived brings with it new dangers and concerns.
Realising this, I am trying to remind myself that either everything will go well, or it won't. It is unlikely that worrying about an issue will change the outcome. So I am trying to enjoy the journey, treasure all the gifts that each day brings, and know that if something bad happens we will deal with it as best we can.
It is a great comfort of me to find this support network, to know that I am part of a wonderful supportive network of women who live nearby. I am looking forward to the next meeting in September.
Thursday, 13 May 2010
Break cycle: 16dpo: BFP
I have over 25 IU/L of HCG in my urine. It's not due to a trigger shot. I guess that means I'm pregnant.
I was going to enjoy this break before IVF. To not worry about trying to conceive and just appreciate all the wonderful things I had in my life. I did not renew my VIP Fertility Friend membership. I was going to go back to my lifestyle when I was back on the pill. In fact, I would have gone back on the pill but my RE said that 40 days is the maximum length of time for their long IVF protocol. So my new crazy lifestyle included:
But when it reached 14 days past ovulation, and my temperature was still high, I was puzzled. I looked back at my chart, and my thermal shift was very clear. Is it crazy to take a pregnancy test? Yes, I thought, but, no, 14 days post ovulation is a perfectly normal time to test. So I pulled out a Digital Test, glad it would give me a definitive answer. This way I would know that it was safe to drink at my friend's birthday party that evening.
But three minutes later, it said
Of course, not having the VIP Fertility Friend membership, it took me a few minutes to find somewhere that would calculate my due date. Due date. How odd.
I started to shake, and quickly wrote out a little card for my husband saying "I am pregnant. I am due January 18 2011.". He took forever to get out of the shower, but when I gave him the card he said "Wow." then "1-2 babies?" and then pointed out that they should have a small advantage due to their date of birth, as a child born at the beginning of the year is slightly more mature than their peers. Which is one of the reasons why I love my husband very much.
But I had yet to see those two pink lines. How dark was this second line? I went to the pharmacy and asked for four "tests de grossesses", because they keep them behind the counter here. The guy gave me a strange look. "Four?", but slowly opened up a new box and handed them over.
All night I dreamed that I was taking that test, but I could never see the result, and ended up going through hundreds of sticks. Finally, it was 6am. I took the test.
It is faint. But it is there.
Now I need to wait until tomorrow.
Last time I was pregnant it lasted for 19 days post ovulation. The line never got darker.
Is this going to be another chemical pregnancy? Or is this one going to stick?
I was going to enjoy this break before IVF. To not worry about trying to conceive and just appreciate all the wonderful things I had in my life. I did not renew my VIP Fertility Friend membership. I was going to go back to my lifestyle when I was back on the pill. In fact, I would have gone back on the pill but my RE said that 40 days is the maximum length of time for their long IVF protocol. So my new crazy lifestyle included:
- Drinking three glasses of wine a week
- Sleeping with the electric blanket on
- Skipping my pre-natal vitamins
- Skipping my omega-3 capsules
- Drinking coffee
- Drinking tea
- Eating McDonalds
But when it reached 14 days past ovulation, and my temperature was still high, I was puzzled. I looked back at my chart, and my thermal shift was very clear. Is it crazy to take a pregnancy test? Yes, I thought, but, no, 14 days post ovulation is a perfectly normal time to test. So I pulled out a Digital Test, glad it would give me a definitive answer. This way I would know that it was safe to drink at my friend's birthday party that evening.
But three minutes later, it said
Of course, not having the VIP Fertility Friend membership, it took me a few minutes to find somewhere that would calculate my due date. Due date. How odd.
I started to shake, and quickly wrote out a little card for my husband saying "I am pregnant. I am due January 18 2011.". He took forever to get out of the shower, but when I gave him the card he said "Wow." then "1-2 babies?" and then pointed out that they should have a small advantage due to their date of birth, as a child born at the beginning of the year is slightly more mature than their peers. Which is one of the reasons why I love my husband very much.
But I had yet to see those two pink lines. How dark was this second line? I went to the pharmacy and asked for four "tests de grossesses", because they keep them behind the counter here. The guy gave me a strange look. "Four?", but slowly opened up a new box and handed them over.
All night I dreamed that I was taking that test, but I could never see the result, and ended up going through hundreds of sticks. Finally, it was 6am. I took the test.
It is faint. But it is there.
Now I need to wait until tomorrow.
Last time I was pregnant it lasted for 19 days post ovulation. The line never got darker.
Is this going to be another chemical pregnancy? Or is this one going to stick?
Tuesday, 22 September 2009
Laparoscopy next week
The midwife called me back last week, saying that she had heard that I had some “not so good” news. She was really kind and gentle, and she has me booked in for a laparoscopy next Monday. At first I was really frightened, but then I had a long talk with my husband and he was very pragmatic and thoughtful.
He said that if I was too worried about the procedure, then I should cancel it. If I thought that the benefits outweighed the risks, then I should go ahead but stop worrying. He also gently reminded me that the best possible outcome will result in childbirth, which is much more risky and more painful. And then it hardly gets easier after that.
So, I thought to myself, am I in, or am I out?
I’m in. Now I’m focussing on the short term and long term positives. A low fibre diet the week before means lots of rice bubbles, white bread, and peanut butter. After the surgery I get a week at home with the cats and a pile of DVDs. We also get an answer to the question of endometriosis. And then our first IUI in December.
Raising a child brings joy and delight, but it also involves dealing with crises, disappointments, and pain. It is messy and complicated and stressful. So I am viewing this process as an educational experience. I need to learn how to communicate my thoughts, fears, and needs. To avoid panic attacks, and to act calmly and rationally. To enjoy the delights of each day, and aim directly for happiness and not for proxies.
He said that if I was too worried about the procedure, then I should cancel it. If I thought that the benefits outweighed the risks, then I should go ahead but stop worrying. He also gently reminded me that the best possible outcome will result in childbirth, which is much more risky and more painful. And then it hardly gets easier after that.
So, I thought to myself, am I in, or am I out?
I’m in. Now I’m focussing on the short term and long term positives. A low fibre diet the week before means lots of rice bubbles, white bread, and peanut butter. After the surgery I get a week at home with the cats and a pile of DVDs. We also get an answer to the question of endometriosis. And then our first IUI in December.
Raising a child brings joy and delight, but it also involves dealing with crises, disappointments, and pain. It is messy and complicated and stressful. So I am viewing this process as an educational experience. I need to learn how to communicate my thoughts, fears, and needs. To avoid panic attacks, and to act calmly and rationally. To enjoy the delights of each day, and aim directly for happiness and not for proxies.
Sunday, 6 September 2009
Fading
Friday: The midwife at my infertility clinic called me to schedule my laparoscopy. I told her that I had a positive pregnancy test, so I probably should cancel the appointment. She congratulated me, and I asked her to pass the news onto the professor.
Saturday: I went for a walk through the park in the sunshine. I felt happy and full of hope. My womb felt like it was tugging and stretching. As I fell asleep I had to sleep on my back, because my breasts were so sore.
Today: In the absence of a blood test, I took another pregnancy test. I was hoping that the line would be twice as dark as the one that I took 48 hours ago.
Instead, the line is fading, and my spotting is increasing. Things are not looking good for the little poppy seed.
Saturday: I went for a walk through the park in the sunshine. I felt happy and full of hope. My womb felt like it was tugging and stretching. As I fell asleep I had to sleep on my back, because my breasts were so sore.
Today: In the absence of a blood test, I took another pregnancy test. I was hoping that the line would be twice as dark as the one that I took 48 hours ago.
Instead, the line is fading, and my spotting is increasing. Things are not looking good for the little poppy seed.
Sunday, 17 May 2009
442 days later
442 days off the pill
348 days trying to conceive
11 unsuccessful cycles
At first as soon as I ovulated and Fertility Friend would tell me my due date, I would start planning. Due in March - Spring. Due in April - maybe will share a birthday with my husband. Due in May - maybe will share a birthday with me? Due in June - long summer days.
But month after month, I kept on seeing the one single line on the pregnancy test. It seemed aggressively negative.
We have tried:
The Fertility Diet
Temping
LH testing
Saliva testing
Guaifenesin
Pre-Seed
Pre-Conceive plus
FertilAide for Men
FertileCM Supplement
And still nothing.
So, not as easy we had originally thought. Something is obviously wrong. This cycle will make 12, and after that we will be officially infertile. We have our first appointment with the Fertility Centre in 17 days. Hopefully we will get a diagnosis, and hopefully technology will be able to treat it.
For us at the moment, controlling prenatal health is the most important factor for us. So if it is an issue of bad sperm or eggs, we are open to the possibility of donor gametes or donor embryos.
Right now, I just want a diagnosis. Then I can start to strategise. I hate not knowing what is wrong, because then I don't know how to fix it.
I have Melissa Ford's Navigating the Land of IF as my road-map to this unexpected destination. So far, it has been a great source of comfort and information. The introduction reads:
348 days trying to conceive
11 unsuccessful cycles
At first as soon as I ovulated and Fertility Friend would tell me my due date, I would start planning. Due in March - Spring. Due in April - maybe will share a birthday with my husband. Due in May - maybe will share a birthday with me? Due in June - long summer days.
But month after month, I kept on seeing the one single line on the pregnancy test. It seemed aggressively negative.
We have tried:
The Fertility Diet
Temping
LH testing
Saliva testing
Guaifenesin
Pre-Seed
Pre-Conceive plus
FertilAide for Men
FertileCM Supplement
And still nothing.
So, not as easy we had originally thought. Something is obviously wrong. This cycle will make 12, and after that we will be officially infertile. We have our first appointment with the Fertility Centre in 17 days. Hopefully we will get a diagnosis, and hopefully technology will be able to treat it.
For us at the moment, controlling prenatal health is the most important factor for us. So if it is an issue of bad sperm or eggs, we are open to the possibility of donor gametes or donor embryos.
Right now, I just want a diagnosis. Then I can start to strategise. I hate not knowing what is wrong, because then I don't know how to fix it.
I have Melissa Ford's Navigating the Land of IF as my road-map to this unexpected destination. So far, it has been a great source of comfort and information. The introduction reads:
"...while you're here, you should know that you have a friend, in book form, to turn to in the middle of the night, when the sea monsters offshore start howling and you just wish you were home."
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