We were at a dinner party over the weekend, filled with strangers. I had my first inkling that there could be a problem when the hostess said to me "I hope you like children, because there will be plenty of them here tonight". I blink and suddenly the house is full of them, running and playing and babbling and crawling. Then one of the fathers comes over to me and says loudly "Are kids in your future? You can have our two if you want!".
I get a sudden sinking feeling when I realise that I am going to burst into tears, right in the middle of the party. I walk away from the father, leaving my husband to reply, and stumble into the first room that I find. Luckily it was the bathroom, and I let myself have a few big sobs before trying to pull myself together. I was so mortified that someone would see my swollen eyes and I would ruin the evening.
I manage to make it through the rest of the party with the help of a few glasses of wine, and just ignoring anyone who probed into our childlessness. I even offered mock sympathy to one woman who said to me "It's been so long since I could drink wine, unfortunately I got pregnant with our second child as soon as I stopped breastfeeding our first".
When we first went to our fertility clinic, they told us that they had psychologists on staff if we ever needed counselling. I smiled at them, thinking that I wasn't one of "those" women with the Baby Crazies. I knew how lucky I was already and I wasn't going to let a short delay in procreation ruin my day.
My life is wonderful. I have so much for which to be thankful.
Yet I just burst into tears in public.
Is there something wrong with me?
Well, I don't think there's anything wrong with you - your feelings are rubbed raw and you don't know when this limbo will end - it's only natural that you feel overwhelmed at times. Then again, I'm probably one of "those" women, since I'm seeing a therapist but I find it helps me - I can say whatever I want there without having to worry whether I hurt somebody's feelings or ruin their day or how it might influence our relationship in the future.
ReplyDeleteI SO hope this will be a successful cycle for you - fingers crossed! Take care and rest assured, there is nothing wrong with you.
100% normal if you ask me!!! And, definitely nothing wrong with seeking a little help either. Its a lot to go through! Thinking of you! Found you thru cycle sista and here's to hoping for July 2011!!!!!
ReplyDeleteKudos to you for managing to fake sympathy for the complaining pregnant woman. I probably would have told her what I really thought (and regretted it terribly of course).
ReplyDeleteI had a very similar experience recently, but the party was full of pregnant women, not babies, and I didn't make it to the bathroom before the tears came.
I think this is normal for women in our situation (though it certainly makes you question whether you're completely abnormal).
As you know I'm going through a hard time too at the moment and I really feel for you. Know that if nothing else, your post has comforted me somewhat, reminding me I'm not the only one out there with inappropriately leaky eyes.
xx
No!!!! There is nothing wrong with you. Not being able to have a baby is an emotional roller coaster and beig confronted by unknowingly sumg fertiles is like being stabbed with a knife repeatedly. That was a normal reaction and it is ok to be upset. After having another chemical pregnancy and gearing up for your FET I would be a basket case. The worst thing is before I couldn't have children I was one of those that queried and questioned why people didn't have babies yet. Sometimes we just don't think. Crying is a balm for your sould so good on you. xx
ReplyDeleteI break out in a cold sweat just reading this. I hate every minute of it. Get those tears out. Life can be perfect and still be incomplete.
ReplyDeleteHere we go - you and me, next stop BFP.
No, nothing is wrong with you. This is just so, so hard.
ReplyDeleteYou are absolutely, positively, painfully, NORMAL. I second what Mo said, it's just hard. Thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteNo, there is NOTHING wrong with you. This is, as awful as it is, absolutely normal.
ReplyDeleteYou're a scientist, so I'm sure you've seen the studies that show that infertility is equivalent in stress to a huge life disruption- like a death in the family. And the longer it goes on, the more hopes that are dashed, the harder it gets to maintain your societal niceties.
I posted about this a while back- I got to the point where I couldn't mail baby presents to friends anymore, even very good friends. It is a horrendous thing to go through.
Hugs. I hope your FET brings a BFP. I'll be reading!
T.
no sweetie, there is nothing at all wrong with you. This is so hard, and you are handling it amazingly.
ReplyDeleteNothing is wrong with you at all. I never thought i'd be one of 'those' woman who'd need counselling either but I can tell you that it was amazing and positive when I finally did take the plunge and ask for help. It's not a sign of weakness to need counselling... this road is hard, the worst thing that you'll probably ever have to deal with and you want to come out the other side being the best you can be. Counselling (if you get the right counsellor of course) can really help lighten the load.
ReplyDeleteHugs to you. x
I could have written this post....although, you handled that situation better than I think I could have. So I agree with everyone that although it feels like it's not normal, considering everything you've been though, it's absolutely normal to react that way.
ReplyDeleteMany hugs!
You are completely normal. It's a stressful, emotional situation. Maybe talking to someone would help...
ReplyDeleteHi there, hope I can follow you. I am a researcher/scientist too (muscular dystrophy blah blah). Feel free to visit my blog. I have a baby shower coming up, and I am worried i'll burst into tears somewhere in the middle of the pregnant friend opening gifts :(
ReplyDeleteGood luck with your FET cycle!!!