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Showing posts with label what if. Show all posts
Showing posts with label what if. Show all posts

Thursday, 4 November 2010

FET#1: Cancelled

Oh yes, that word that is heard far too often in the Land of IF: "Cancelled".

Our poor little 6-celled embryo did not survive the thaw.

When the clinic rang this morning, I could tell by the tone of her voice that it wasn't good news. Then she confirmed this by saying "I am afraid that I don't have good news". I knew that we had a 40% chance of cancellation, as we only had one embryo to defrost. So this was not entirely unexpected.

But then she surprised me. She said that I had to have a meeting with The Professor before we started our next fresh cycle. I told her that, no, we just had a meeting with The Professor, and we had agreed on a new protocol for the fresh cycle. She told me, no, my file said that I had to have another meeting first. I told her that wasn't necessary. She told me it was. Fine, I said, and asked her when the next appointment was available.

December 23

That's seven weeks from now. I have to wait seven weeks to have a 10 minute conversation in which The Professor tells us what we already know. Look, I enjoy talking with The Professor as he is quite knowledgeable and can answer some of our questions. But I am not willing to wait seven weeks for the privilege. Last time we had the appointment, he had already reviewed our chart and determined a protocol. Nothing that we said changed this protocol. It was a reassuring meeting, but hardly medically necessary.

I am thinking of sending the clinic an email like this:

On September 23 we met with [The Professor] to discuss our treatment options. He told us that there was a 40% chance that our upcoming FET cycle would be cancelled due to the embryo failing to survive the thaw. We discussed our treatment options for the next fresh cycle if the FET cycle was unsuccessful. [The Professor] recommended an injectable GnRH-agonist instead of nasal buserelin, and the use of recombinant Gonal-F instead of urine-derived Menopur.

Today we learned that our FET cycle was cancelled because the embryo did not survive the thaw. However, I was told that we were required to wait another seven weeks for another meeting with [The Professor] before we can begin our next fresh cycle.

I understand that [Fertility Clinic] is a large and busy practise that deals with hundreds of patients every month. [The Professor] works many hours as an academic, a researcher, and a clinician. We appreciate the fact that he is very willing to take the time to meet with all of his patients one-on-one, and we understand that he meets with a large number of patients.

However, we do not feel that this appointment is strictly necessary, and we would love to be able to begin another fresh cycle as soon as possible. Is there any way that we could commence the next cycle earlier without having this appointment first? Or if a consultation appointment is essential, could we meet with another doctor in the clinic if they have an earlier slot available? We are also open to consultations via email or telephone.


What do you think? Am I over-reacting to a seven week wait? And how do I tell them that I don't want to wait for a consultation appointment, but I do want to ask them to add estrogen and sildenafil to my next cycle?

Wednesday, 20 October 2010

FET#1: CD2

I don't know what's wrong with me.

We were at a dinner party over the weekend, filled with strangers. I had my first inkling that there could be a problem when the hostess said to me "I hope you like children, because there will be plenty of them here tonight". I blink and suddenly the house is full of them, running and playing and babbling and crawling. Then one of the fathers comes over to me and says loudly "Are kids in your future? You can have our two if you want!".

I get a sudden sinking feeling when I realise that I am going to burst into tears, right in the middle of the party. I walk away from the father, leaving my husband to reply, and stumble into the first room that I find. Luckily it was the bathroom, and I let myself have a few big sobs before trying to pull myself together. I was so mortified that someone would see my swollen eyes and I would ruin the evening.

I manage to make it through the rest of the party with the help of a few glasses of wine, and just ignoring anyone who probed into our childlessness. I even offered mock sympathy to one woman who said to me "It's been so long since I could drink wine, unfortunately I got pregnant with our second child as soon as I stopped breastfeeding our first".

~~~


When we first went to our fertility clinic, they told us that they had psychologists on staff if we ever needed counselling. I smiled at them, thinking that I wasn't one of "those" women with the Baby Crazies. I knew how lucky I was already and I wasn't going to let a short delay in procreation ruin my day.

My life is wonderful. I have so much for which to be thankful.

Yet I just burst into tears in public.

Is there something wrong with me?

Thursday, 13 May 2010

Break cycle: 16dpo: BFP

I have over 25 IU/L of HCG in my urine. It's not due to a trigger shot. I guess that means I'm pregnant.

I was going to enjoy this break before IVF. To not worry about trying to conceive and just appreciate all the wonderful things I had in my life. I did not renew my VIP Fertility Friend membership. I was going to go back to my lifestyle when I was back on the pill. In fact, I would have gone back on the pill but my RE said that 40 days is the maximum length of time for their long IVF protocol. So my new crazy lifestyle included:
  • Drinking three glasses of wine a week
  • Sleeping with the electric blanket on
  • Skipping my pre-natal vitamins
  • Skipping my omega-3 capsules
  • Drinking coffee
  • Drinking tea
  • Eating McDonalds
I kept an eye on my temperatures because my ovulation date fluctuates wildly, and I wanted to know when my period arrives.

But when it reached 14 days past ovulation, and my temperature was still high, I was puzzled. I looked back at my chart, and my thermal shift was very clear. Is it crazy to take a pregnancy test? Yes, I thought, but, no, 14 days post ovulation is a perfectly normal time to test. So I pulled out a Digital Test, glad it would give me a definitive answer. This way I would know that it was safe to drink at my friend's birthday party that evening.

But three minutes later, it said



Of course, not having the VIP Fertility Friend membership, it took me a few minutes to find somewhere that would calculate my due date. Due date. How odd.

I started to shake, and quickly wrote out a little card for my husband saying "I am pregnant. I am due January 18 2011.". He took forever to get out of the shower, but when I gave him the card he said "Wow." then "1-2 babies?" and then pointed out that they should have a small advantage due to their date of birth, as a child born at the beginning of the year is slightly more mature than their peers. Which is one of the reasons why I love my husband very much.

But I had yet to see those two pink lines. How dark was this second line? I went to the pharmacy and asked for four "tests de grossesses", because they keep them behind the counter here. The guy gave me a strange look. "Four?", but slowly opened up a new box and handed them over.

All night I dreamed that I was taking that test, but I could never see the result, and ended up going through hundreds of sticks. Finally, it was 6am. I took the test.

It is faint. But it is there.



Now I need to wait until tomorrow.

Last time I was pregnant it lasted for 19 days post ovulation. The line never got darker.

Is this going to be another chemical pregnancy? Or is this one going to stick?

Sunday, 17 May 2009

442 days later

442 days off the pill
348 days trying to conceive
11 unsuccessful cycles

At first as soon as I ovulated and Fertility Friend would tell me my due date, I would start planning. Due in March - Spring. Due in April - maybe will share a birthday with my husband. Due in May - maybe will share a birthday with me? Due in June - long summer days.

But month after month, I kept on seeing the one single line on the pregnancy test. It seemed aggressively negative.

We have tried:
The Fertility Diet
Temping
LH testing
Saliva testing
Guaifenesin
Pre-Seed
Pre-Conceive plus
FertilAide for Men
FertileCM Supplement

And still nothing.

So, not as easy we had originally thought. Something is obviously wrong. This cycle will make 12, and after that we will be officially infertile. We have our first appointment with the Fertility Centre in 17 days. Hopefully we will get a diagnosis, and hopefully technology will be able to treat it.

For us at the moment, controlling prenatal health is the most important factor for us. So if it is an issue of bad sperm or eggs, we are open to the possibility of donor gametes or donor embryos.
Right now, I just want a diagnosis. Then I can start to strategise. I hate not knowing what is wrong, because then I don't know how to fix it.

I have Melissa Ford's Navigating the Land of IF as my road-map to this unexpected destination. So far, it has been a great source of comfort and information. The introduction reads:

"...while you're here, you should know that you have a friend, in book form, to turn to in the middle of the night, when the sea monsters offshore start howling and you just wish you were home."