Monday, 7 September 2009

Empty

"How was your weekend?" my colleagues ask.
"Great!" I answer, thinking I had my first miscarriage.

I told myself that I would think in all the appropriate terms. Zygote, blastocyst, embryo. I know all the statistics. I know that I had a 20-50% chance that it would end too soon. I wouldn't skip ahead. I would take each day as it comes.

But as I felt those twinges inside me, I got attached far too quickly. I imagined being pregnant during the Winter holidays, and the baby being born in Spring. We would have our first child before I turned thirty.

I should be happy, that I know that we can now at least get pregnant, that somewhere inside me a sperm can meet an egg. Objective: fertilisation - achieved. This should be a good sign.

However, I can't help but feel a little empty.

2 comments:

  1. So sorry about your chemical. My first loss was at 8.5 weeks after femara + progesterone. the second at 4.5 weeks (beta hit 500 before falling) from a femara + gonal-F + IUI. IVF has finally helped us. I know how badly it sucks. Somehow it seemed like it wouldn't be so tragic if you only took 1-2 cycles to get pg, but after such a long wait...
    I'd probably still go for the laparoscopy. If they find nothing, you're reassured that it's not endo. I assume they'll do a dye test to make sure both tubes are spilling while they're in there? If they find endo, the'll be able to take care of a lot/all of it, and that should really help your chances of having a baby.
    I do anesthetics for laparoscopies all the time. Really, for a young healthy person it's not a big deal. Very safe. Can't speak to the pain afterwards, but it's not supposed to be too bad. Good luck making your decision!

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  2. Regardless of your profession, it's okay to feel disappointed or upset. It is completely normal. And, it is something that will stay with you always. I work in the healthcare profession as well, but when I had my ectopic - the world stopped moving and all the statistics and data went out the window. I grieved. Take care of yourself. Treat yourself to something nice.

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