The midwife called me back last week, saying that she had heard that I had some “not so good” news. She was really kind and gentle, and she has me booked in for a laparoscopy next Monday. At first I was really frightened, but then I had a long talk with my husband and he was very pragmatic and thoughtful.
He said that if I was too worried about the procedure, then I should cancel it. If I thought that the benefits outweighed the risks, then I should go ahead but stop worrying. He also gently reminded me that the best possible outcome will result in childbirth, which is much more risky and more painful. And then it hardly gets easier after that.
So, I thought to myself, am I in, or am I out?
I’m in. Now I’m focussing on the short term and long term positives. A low fibre diet the week before means lots of rice bubbles, white bread, and peanut butter. After the surgery I get a week at home with the cats and a pile of DVDs. We also get an answer to the question of endometriosis. And then our first IUI in December.
Raising a child brings joy and delight, but it also involves dealing with crises, disappointments, and pain. It is messy and complicated and stressful. So I am viewing this process as an educational experience. I need to learn how to communicate my thoughts, fears, and needs. To avoid panic attacks, and to act calmly and rationally. To enjoy the delights of each day, and aim directly for happiness and not for proxies.