Friday, 29 October 2010

FET#1: CD11

Lining: 5.9 mm
Right ovary: 12.1 mm
Left ovary: 9.5 mm

So it looks like I am progressing very similarly to my last IUI, not surprisingly because I am on the same Menopur dose. If things go the same way, I will probably trigger on CD13 (Sunday), ovulate on CD14 (Monday), and transfer on CD17 (Thursday).

We asked the Professor about the chance of multiples, as we are stimulating ovulation as well as transferring an embryo. He said that it is theoretically possible, but they have never seen it in practise. He also said that animal studies have shown that simply the act of intercourse before embryo transfer can increase the rates of pregnancy.

Feeling much better today. I need to remind myself that the best cure, for me, is just to knuckle down and attack all the work that is stressing me out.

The sun is shining over the soft falling leaves. This might be our last autumn as a family of two (plus two furballs). This is a time to celebrate our love for each other, for cherishing all the wonderful joys already in our life together.

Tuesday, 26 October 2010

FET#1: CD8

I am participating in a clinical trial for this FET, which involves me injecting half a vial of menopur each night, much like I did for my last IUI. This means that they are monitoring my follicles too, even though we have a little embryo that we prepared earlier.

Lining 4.7 mm
Right ovary: One large follicle at 9.7 mm
Left ovary: One large follicle at 8.4 mm

Perhaps another week until trigger? Next check-up on Friday.

Things that are currently stressing me out:
* The hours of sunlight are decreasing, so I am waking up in the dark every morning
* More people are catching the metro, so I now have to stand for 30 minutes to get to work
* My boss is off sick, so I am doing the work of two people
* All projects need to be completed by the end of the year, so we are extra busy
* My mother is coming to stay for a whole week
* I am putting on weight
* Blood tests in the morning, waiting for phone call during the day, injections in the evening

Things that I should be doing to decrease this stress:
* Working hard at work
* Cleaning the house
* Going to the gym
* Eating lots of fruit and vegetables

Things that I am actually doing instead:
* Spending hours on the web looking at pictures of cute animals
* Napping
* Eating chocolate and biscuits
* Worrying
* Feeling guilty


Wednesday, 20 October 2010

FET#1: CD2

I don't know what's wrong with me.

We were at a dinner party over the weekend, filled with strangers. I had my first inkling that there could be a problem when the hostess said to me "I hope you like children, because there will be plenty of them here tonight". I blink and suddenly the house is full of them, running and playing and babbling and crawling. Then one of the fathers comes over to me and says loudly "Are kids in your future? You can have our two if you want!".

I get a sudden sinking feeling when I realise that I am going to burst into tears, right in the middle of the party. I walk away from the father, leaving my husband to reply, and stumble into the first room that I find. Luckily it was the bathroom, and I let myself have a few big sobs before trying to pull myself together. I was so mortified that someone would see my swollen eyes and I would ruin the evening.

I manage to make it through the rest of the party with the help of a few glasses of wine, and just ignoring anyone who probed into our childlessness. I even offered mock sympathy to one woman who said to me "It's been so long since I could drink wine, unfortunately I got pregnant with our second child as soon as I stopped breastfeeding our first".


When we first went to our fertility clinic, they told us that they had psychologists on staff if we ever needed counselling. I smiled at them, thinking that I wasn't one of "those" women with the Baby Crazies. I knew how lucky I was already and I wasn't going to let a short delay in procreation ruin my day.

My life is wonderful. I have so much for which to be thankful.

Yet I just burst into tears in public.

Is there something wrong with me?

Saturday, 16 October 2010

CD27: Here today, gone tomorrow

On Friday night before a night out on the town, I figured I may as well take a home pregnancy test. I told myself that I had a special feeling about this cycle. There is something so anxiety-inducing about that 10 minute wait for the test to develop. I had an argument with myself - was I foolish for holding out hope during a natural cycle, or could I feel that something was different?

I looked down at the test, and caught my breath. Was it there? Was it not there? Perhaps there was perhaps a very tiny second line. The smallest, thinnest positive I have ever seen. I took a photo, and popped it in my purse to show my husband. Yes, I carry around urine-stained antibody tests in my handbag.

I added 36 weeks to get the date of June 24 2011. I wandered into the spare room and imagined it as a nursery. I showed my husband and eventually convinced him there was a second line. But there was no card this time, no talk of maternity leave or childcare. We both agreed to wait it out and see what had happened. After a chemical pregnancy and a miscarriage, we have been bitten by two lines before.

This morning, I woke up early full of excitement. All night I had been dreaming of a June baby, and so happy that I didn't have any more injections, follicle counts, or embryo transfers ahead of me. No waiting by the phone each afternoon for the results, no hoping that our frozen embryo defrosts, no two week wait. I was already one month into my nine month pregnancy.

My pregnancy test was waiting for me, and I watched it develop with anticipation, waiting for that second line to burst into colour. Three minutes past - no second line. And then ten minutes past, and there was still no second line.

I was no longer pregnant.

Once again, we have seen two pink lines only to have our hopes dashed.