We were at a dinner party over the weekend, filled with strangers. I had my first inkling that there could be a problem when the hostess said to me "I hope you like children, because there will be plenty of them here tonight". I blink and suddenly the house is full of them, running and playing and babbling and crawling. Then one of the fathers comes over to me and says loudly "Are kids in your future? You can have our two if you want!".
I get a sudden sinking feeling when I realise that I am going to burst into tears, right in the middle of the party. I walk away from the father, leaving my husband to reply, and stumble into the first room that I find. Luckily it was the bathroom, and I let myself have a few big sobs before trying to pull myself together. I was so mortified that someone would see my swollen eyes and I would ruin the evening.
I manage to make it through the rest of the party with the help of a few glasses of wine, and just ignoring anyone who probed into our childlessness. I even offered mock sympathy to one woman who said to me "It's been so long since I could drink wine, unfortunately I got pregnant with our second child as soon as I stopped breastfeeding our first".
When we first went to our fertility clinic, they told us that they had psychologists on staff if we ever needed counselling. I smiled at them, thinking that I wasn't one of "those" women with the Baby Crazies. I knew how lucky I was already and I wasn't going to let a short delay in procreation ruin my day.
My life is wonderful. I have so much for which to be thankful.
Yet I just burst into tears in public.
Is there something wrong with me?