Saturday, 16 October 2010

CD27: Here today, gone tomorrow

On Friday night before a night out on the town, I figured I may as well take a home pregnancy test. I told myself that I had a special feeling about this cycle. There is something so anxiety-inducing about that 10 minute wait for the test to develop. I had an argument with myself - was I foolish for holding out hope during a natural cycle, or could I feel that something was different?

I looked down at the test, and caught my breath. Was it there? Was it not there? Perhaps there was perhaps a very tiny second line. The smallest, thinnest positive I have ever seen. I took a photo, and popped it in my purse to show my husband. Yes, I carry around urine-stained antibody tests in my handbag.

I added 36 weeks to get the date of June 24 2011. I wandered into the spare room and imagined it as a nursery. I showed my husband and eventually convinced him there was a second line. But there was no card this time, no talk of maternity leave or childcare. We both agreed to wait it out and see what had happened. After a chemical pregnancy and a miscarriage, we have been bitten by two lines before.





This morning, I woke up early full of excitement. All night I had been dreaming of a June baby, and so happy that I didn't have any more injections, follicle counts, or embryo transfers ahead of me. No waiting by the phone each afternoon for the results, no hoping that our frozen embryo defrosts, no two week wait. I was already one month into my nine month pregnancy.

My pregnancy test was waiting for me, and I watched it develop with anticipation, waiting for that second line to burst into colour. Three minutes past - no second line. And then ten minutes past, and there was still no second line.

I was no longer pregnant.

Once again, we have seen two pink lines only to have our hopes dashed.



14 comments:

  1. Hope this test is wrong. I have seen lines fade before and the baby arrived 9 months late. Only a beta will tell you the real story.

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  2. Oh I'm so sorry. I read the first part of your post on the edge of my seat and was so convinced that this was going to have a different ending. It's a cruel twist, I'm so very sorry.
    (((hugs)))

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  3. Ugh - I call it the torture stick! I got so excited for you at the beginning of this post & then was so disappointed for you - I am so sorry :( Hugs...

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  4. I'm so sorry :( Any time you want to go for a "coffee", let me know. Hugs and take care!

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  5. I don't even know what to say. That just sucks hugely. I am really sorry sweetie.

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  6. Oh no. I'm so sorry. I am verging on tears right now for you. I was ready to be so thrilled for you... ugh. Big hugs to you. You WILL get there someday!

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  7. I'm so, so sorry. I was really hoping for a different ending to this post.

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  8. That is so unfair - I'm so sorry :(. I stopped in to see if you had any updates and was so excited when I started reading and then so sad. Hang in there....

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  9. Oh, that is absolutely heartbreaking. And with the fragile mood I'm in today it has actually made me cry (in my office). I'm SO sorry. :(

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  10. Oh sweetie, there was definitely a second line on that first test. I am so so sorry. Just heart breaking. xoxo

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  11. me and my wife just experienced the same feelings , in 14 october, our hopes and wishes was gone for ever , after 3 failed IVF cycles , there is nothing left... we had a good feeling before too ,the second line was disappearing and never come back... they all feel sorry for you , i do not need words , compassion words , they don't know how you feel , words means nothing to me, some people receive miracles for free ... and they feel pity for you , well i do not want their cheep pity and sorry , they look at you as you were a sick dog and the next second they move on to their life , satisfied with the compassion they shown you. i wish you good luck in the future... as if it really exists for people like us...

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  12. My husband and I can completely relate to these feelings. The feels of "this is the month" and then have that feels crushed with the results of a test. I wish you and your husband the best of luck!!

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