Back on birth control.

As of today, I am back on the pill, and starting my first IVF cycle, using the standard long suppression protocol. However, my clinic is closed over the summer, so I don’t start Menopur injections until Thursday August 19, which is another seven weeks away.

I am so excited that the time has finally arrived for us to start this cycle. After two clomid IUIs and two injectable IUIs, I am hoping that the process will be familiar, though hopefully with a different outcome.

With my IUIs, I always spontaneously ovulated before my lining had time to thicken. Hopefully the supression from Suprefact will hold everything back a bit so my endometrium has time to mature, if not with a fresh cycle, then maybe a frozen cycle.

I am hoping that work is not too busy around that time, that I don’t have too many early morning meetings, and that there isn’t anything critical when I suddenly have to take a few days off. Once again, I will begin the familiar pattern of trips to the clinic in the morning, anxious afternoons waiting by the phone, and then injections in the evening.

I am still a bit nervous about the retrieval. The nurse assured me that they administer plenty of pain relief during the procedure, and even put a special note in my file that I can have a Xanax before the procedure. I took something like that before my laparoscopy, and it made the world of difference. Funnily enough, knowing that I won’t be feeling anxious before the procedure is enough in itself to substantially decrease my worries.

So it is time for me to make my way twice around the circle of birth control pills, and then the real adventure will start to begin.

442 days later

442 days off the pill
348 days trying to conceive
11 unsuccessful cycles

At first as soon as I ovulated and Fertility Friend would tell me my due date, I would start planning. Due in March - Spring. Due in April - maybe will share a birthday with my husband. Due in May - maybe will share a birthday with me? Due in June - long summer days.

But month after month, I kept on seeing the one single line on the pregnancy test. It seemed aggressively negative.

We have tried:
The Fertility Diet
Temping
LH testing
Saliva testing
Guaifenesin
Pre-Seed
Pre-Conceive plus
FertilAide for Men
FertileCM Supplement

And still nothing.

So, not as easy we had originally thought. Something is obviously wrong. This cycle will make 12, and after that we will be officially infertile. We have our first appointment with the Fertility Centre in 17 days. Hopefully we will get a diagnosis, and hopefully technology will be able to treat it.

For us at the moment, controlling prenatal health is the most important factor for us. So if it is an issue of bad sperm or eggs, we are open to the possibility of donor gametes or donor embryos.
Right now, I just want a diagnosis. Then I can start to strategise. I hate not knowing what is wrong, because then I don't know how to fix it.

I have Melissa Ford's Navigating the Land of IF as my road-map to this unexpected destination. So far, it has been a great source of comfort and information. The introduction reads:

"...while you're here, you should know that you have a friend, in book form, to turn to in the middle of the night, when the sea monsters offshore start howling and you just wish you were home."

55 orange pills

It was quite a shock to take my pill this morning - not the automatic process that it has always been. This time, as I looked down and ran my fingers across my rows of pills, they didn't float off into infinity like they always have before. I take one pill each morning for eight more weeks, and then I stop. And then, after a while, for the first time in forever, I become fertile. And then we try to make a baby. Not by doing anything too differently, just with the absence of a tiny little pill each morning. Then perhaps, one day, almost out of the blue, we become parents. How terrifying.

How do I decide that I'm ready? That I'm all grown up and I know enough about the world to start teaching another? Am I an adult? How did that happen? I don't know how people do it. How they decide that they're good enough. That they're worthy.

The one thing that makes it not completely terrifying, that makes me think that it is also exciting and right, is of course my husband. I've never known anyone like him - so extraordinary. I love him, and I trust him. Not only his heart, but his head. His values, his ethics, his wisdom. I can imagine no better role-model for our child. We are a team, and I don't have to be everything, I just have to be myself. We have so much joy in our life together as two, it would be a delight to make it three. So with him beside me, I think that I might have the courage to soon stop taking these tiny orange pills.