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Showing posts with label waiting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label waiting. Show all posts

Thursday, 4 November 2010

FET#1: Cancelled

Oh yes, that word that is heard far too often in the Land of IF: "Cancelled".

Our poor little 6-celled embryo did not survive the thaw.

When the clinic rang this morning, I could tell by the tone of her voice that it wasn't good news. Then she confirmed this by saying "I am afraid that I don't have good news". I knew that we had a 40% chance of cancellation, as we only had one embryo to defrost. So this was not entirely unexpected.

But then she surprised me. She said that I had to have a meeting with The Professor before we started our next fresh cycle. I told her that, no, we just had a meeting with The Professor, and we had agreed on a new protocol for the fresh cycle. She told me, no, my file said that I had to have another meeting first. I told her that wasn't necessary. She told me it was. Fine, I said, and asked her when the next appointment was available.

December 23

That's seven weeks from now. I have to wait seven weeks to have a 10 minute conversation in which The Professor tells us what we already know. Look, I enjoy talking with The Professor as he is quite knowledgeable and can answer some of our questions. But I am not willing to wait seven weeks for the privilege. Last time we had the appointment, he had already reviewed our chart and determined a protocol. Nothing that we said changed this protocol. It was a reassuring meeting, but hardly medically necessary.

I am thinking of sending the clinic an email like this:

On September 23 we met with [The Professor] to discuss our treatment options. He told us that there was a 40% chance that our upcoming FET cycle would be cancelled due to the embryo failing to survive the thaw. We discussed our treatment options for the next fresh cycle if the FET cycle was unsuccessful. [The Professor] recommended an injectable GnRH-agonist instead of nasal buserelin, and the use of recombinant Gonal-F instead of urine-derived Menopur.

Today we learned that our FET cycle was cancelled because the embryo did not survive the thaw. However, I was told that we were required to wait another seven weeks for another meeting with [The Professor] before we can begin our next fresh cycle.

I understand that [Fertility Clinic] is a large and busy practise that deals with hundreds of patients every month. [The Professor] works many hours as an academic, a researcher, and a clinician. We appreciate the fact that he is very willing to take the time to meet with all of his patients one-on-one, and we understand that he meets with a large number of patients.

However, we do not feel that this appointment is strictly necessary, and we would love to be able to begin another fresh cycle as soon as possible. Is there any way that we could commence the next cycle earlier without having this appointment first? Or if a consultation appointment is essential, could we meet with another doctor in the clinic if they have an earlier slot available? We are also open to consultations via email or telephone.


What do you think? Am I over-reacting to a seven week wait? And how do I tell them that I don't want to wait for a consultation appointment, but I do want to ask them to add estrogen and sildenafil to my next cycle?

Wednesday, 15 September 2010

IVF#1: 9dp3dt: Single line

To Anonymous: Thank-you for your comment. I am so glad that you found my blog and excited to hear that you are starting your first cycle. Send me an email if you would like an invitation to the next IVF Support Group dinner in three weeks.

Yesterday, at 8dp3dt, I saw my first single pink line of this cycle. I thought I was fine. It was still too early to know for sure. And even if this was a true negative, I thought I was okay. I knew the success rate. I knew that our low egg yield lowered our odds. I knew that slow embryo growth lowered our odds. I had been expecting this.

I told myself that even though each individual cycle only had a 25% success rate, the overall process of IVF in this country has a 51% chance of success over three cycles, and a 58% chance over six cycles (1).

I started planning the questions that I would ask at our follow-up appointment. What are the chances our 6-cell embryo would survive the thaw? Given no embryo reached the 8-cell stage, what are our chances of success in future fresh cycles? What are the waiting times to receive donor gametes? Can we sign up for donor gametes now while still attempting our own cycles? Can we source donor embryos from abroad? Suddenly I was overwhelmed by all these questions.

Then it was time to join my husband and two friends for a dinner out. They were discussing what bottle of wine to order, and one of them asked me if I liked champagne. I had no idea what to say. I couldn’t say “yes”, because then it would be odd when I didn’t drink any. I couldn’t say “no”, because that’s not true and they’d just order something else anyway. And I couldn’t say “I’m not drinking alcohol tonight”, because then everyone would think that I was pregnant. I just looked at my husband in desperation. He said something like “I don’t think she feels like drinking any wine tonight”.

And then, because I am paranoid and imaginative, I felt like I had just announced to our friends that I was pregnant. They didn’t say anything, but I thought that I could see their secret smiles. For some reason, I felt so awful. Like I was a fraud, pretending to the world that there was still hope.

And I feel guilty, when later as I confess all of this to my husband through tears, and I see the pain in his eyes. When he quietly suggests that maybe we should stop trying, because I take the negatives so badly. He has told me that I am all the family that he needs, and that my happiness is the only thing that is important to him. I feel like my sadness in this moment says to him that he is not enough for me. This is not true - I just get so mission orientated.

*****


Today is a new day, and when I saw the single line on the test this morning, I was okay. I think I will be okay no matter what the final verdict is. The point is to be happy, and right now, when I think about our little family, all I can do is smile.



1) Cumulative live-birth delivery after IVF/ICSI since the progressive introduction of single-embryo transfer
Reproductive BioMedicine Online, Volume 20, Issue 6, June 2010, Pages 836-842
D. De Neubourg, C. Daels, M. Elseviers, K. Mangelschots, M. Vercruyssen, E. Van Royen

Saturday, 11 September 2010

IVF#1: 5dp3dt: Waiting

I looked at a calendar today to figure out how many days past transfer I was. Eight? Ten? No, five. It feels like my transfer was months ago, not just last Monday.

Physically, I am starting to feel much better. It took me a full week post egg retrieval to feel fully healed and back to my old self.

My new hobby is peeing on sticks every morning and watching my trigger disappear. Today is ten days past trigger, and I can still see a tiny bit of a line when I look at it just right. I'm guessing that by tomorrow it should be completely clear, and then I can start the more exciting process of waiting for the line to re-appear.


I think it's really mean of the pharma companies to make us trigger with hCG. Can't they just put a patch over the bit of the molecule that the home pregnancy test detects? I have even written this on my two-line tests (just in case a burglar breaks into the house and misinterprets them and sends me a premature 'congratulations'):



So glad it's the weekend! Even though I only had a four day week, it really seemed to drag on forever. I am looking forward to two relaxing days with my husband - catching up with friends and relaxing around the house.

Friday, 26 February 2010

Yes, I would like a child, please.

After some serious contemplation, I have decided that, yes, I really truly want to raise a child with my husband. These are the sort of events that I would love to experience in my life:

  • Dressing our baby up like a bear.
  • Seeing them asleep in my arms.
  • Helping them assemble a rock/stick/leaf/shell/etc collection.
  • Make them laugh.
  • Reading to them and seeing their imagination soar.
  • Listening in awe as they speak a second language.
  • Seeing their faces as they discover new places.
  • Creating new family traditions together.
  • Involving them in making family decisions.
  • Helping them figure out how the world works.
  • Doing my best to answer the question "why?".
  • Making a train-shaped birthday cake.
  • Watching the private world that they create with other children.
  • Learning from their unique insight and experiences.
  • Watching their personality develop into a whole new person.


Even if we do have a child, there is no guarantee that we will experience any of these moments. How do you decide to welcome a new person into your home that you have never met? How do you decide that the benefits outweigh the risks? Mel wrote about this leap into darkness a few days ago:
I think it’s brave to put your heart out there, to want something so badly, to allow your entire being to get wrapped up in the potential life of another person. If we make that leap to love a partner or family member or friend, we do so knowing that person, having met them, knowing our compatibility or history. But when we put our entire heart into the idea of a child, we do that bravely. Without answers or information or sometimes even a true understanding of what it will be like to parent.


With this confirmed desire, I called the fertility clinic to schedule our next IUI. However, I learned that this cycle needs to be pre-approved by our health insurance, which means a delay of at least another month. So more waiting and day dreaming for me.

Sunday, 17 May 2009

442 days later

442 days off the pill
348 days trying to conceive
11 unsuccessful cycles

At first as soon as I ovulated and Fertility Friend would tell me my due date, I would start planning. Due in March - Spring. Due in April - maybe will share a birthday with my husband. Due in May - maybe will share a birthday with me? Due in June - long summer days.

But month after month, I kept on seeing the one single line on the pregnancy test. It seemed aggressively negative.

We have tried:
The Fertility Diet
Temping
LH testing
Saliva testing
Guaifenesin
Pre-Seed
Pre-Conceive plus
FertilAide for Men
FertileCM Supplement

And still nothing.

So, not as easy we had originally thought. Something is obviously wrong. This cycle will make 12, and after that we will be officially infertile. We have our first appointment with the Fertility Centre in 17 days. Hopefully we will get a diagnosis, and hopefully technology will be able to treat it.

For us at the moment, controlling prenatal health is the most important factor for us. So if it is an issue of bad sperm or eggs, we are open to the possibility of donor gametes or donor embryos.
Right now, I just want a diagnosis. Then I can start to strategise. I hate not knowing what is wrong, because then I don't know how to fix it.

I have Melissa Ford's Navigating the Land of IF as my road-map to this unexpected destination. So far, it has been a great source of comfort and information. The introduction reads:

"...while you're here, you should know that you have a friend, in book form, to turn to in the middle of the night, when the sea monsters offshore start howling and you just wish you were home."