FET#1: Cancelled

Oh yes, that word that is heard far too often in the Land of IF: "Cancelled".

Our poor little 6-celled embryo did not survive the thaw.

When the clinic rang this morning, I could tell by the tone of her voice that it wasn't good news. Then she confirmed this by saying "I am afraid that I don't have good news". I knew that we had a 40% chance of cancellation, as we only had one embryo to defrost. So this was not entirely unexpected.

But then she surprised me. She said that I had to have a meeting with The Professor before we started our next fresh cycle. I told her that, no, we just had a meeting with The Professor, and we had agreed on a new protocol for the fresh cycle. She told me, no, my file said that I had to have another meeting first. I told her that wasn't necessary. She told me it was. Fine, I said, and asked her when the next appointment was available.

December 23
That's seven weeks from now. I have to wait seven weeks to have a 10 minute conversation in which The Professor tells us what we already know. Look, I enjoy talking with The Professor as he is quite knowledgeable and can answer some of our questions. But I am not willing to wait seven weeks for the privilege. Last time we had the appointment, he had already reviewed our chart and determined a protocol. Nothing that we said changed this protocol. It was a reassuring meeting, but hardly medically necessary.

I am thinking of sending the clinic an email like this:

On September 23 we met with [The Professor] to discuss our treatment options. He told us that there was a 40% chance that our upcoming FET cycle would be cancelled due to the embryo failing to survive the thaw. We discussed our treatment options for the next fresh cycle if the FET cycle was unsuccessful. [The Professor] recommended an injectable GnRH-agonist instead of nasal buserelin, and the use of recombinant Gonal-F instead of urine-derived Menopur.

Today we learned that our FET cycle was cancelled because the embryo did not survive the thaw. However, I was told that we were required to wait another seven weeks for another meeting with [The Professor] before we can begin our next fresh cycle.

I understand that [Fertility Clinic] is a large and busy practise that deals with hundreds of patients every month. [The Professor] works many hours as an academic, a researcher, and a clinician. We appreciate the fact that he is very willing to take the time to meet with all of his patients one-on-one, and we understand that he meets with a large number of patients.

However, we do not feel that this appointment is strictly necessary, and we would love to be able to begin another fresh cycle as soon as possible. Is there any way that we could commence the next cycle earlier without having this appointment first? Or if a consultation appointment is essential, could we meet with another doctor in the clinic if they have an earlier slot available? We are also open to consultations via email or telephone.

What do you think? Am I over-reacting to a seven week wait? And how do I tell them that I don't want to wait for a consultation appointment, but I do want to ask them to add estrogen and sildenafil to my next cycle?

Ectopic ruled out

The doctor called me today, and told me that my hCG level was 19.

While this is good, in terms of no-emergency-surgery-for-an-ectopic, it is the final confirmation that this is indeed the end of this chapter.

Strange to think that I'd probably still produce a positive result on a home urine test.

I wonder how high my hCG levels got. Did they break 1500? Would we have been able to see a sac if we had gone in a week earlier?

It's funny, but this week is actually easier for me than last week. Those days of seeing all that blood, not knowing what was happening, and feeling so helpless were really tough. My heart would sore or dive depending on my symptoms. So much anxiety. Now that it is over, I don't need to worry any more. What's done is done.

In just over a week, I will be submitting my paperwork and picking up my medication for our first IVF cycle.

Fading

Friday: The midwife at my infertility clinic called me to schedule my laparoscopy. I told her that I had a positive pregnancy test, so I probably should cancel the appointment. She congratulated me, and I asked her to pass the news onto the professor.

Saturday: I went for a walk through the park in the sunshine. I felt happy and full of hope. My womb felt like it was tugging and stretching. As I fell asleep I had to sleep on my back, because my breasts were so sore.

Today: In the absence of a blood test, I took another pregnancy test. I was hoping that the line would be twice as dark as the one that I took 48 hours ago.

Instead, the line is fading, and my spotting is increasing. Things are not looking good for the little poppy seed.

Everwhere

I walk past these windows every day on my way to and from work. I don't know how, but these headless manikins always seem so smug to me.

This is why they are called cycles

Because they go around and around and around:



I am a scientist. I like to live in an evidence-based reality. I need numbers, charts, and graphs. I like to make quantitative comparisons. So now I have year's worth of patterns to analyse.




I seem to be ovulating. While my follicular phase is a little variable, my luteal phase seems to relatively long and consistent. But I don't know anything else about my body. Are my eggs getting lost? Are my tubes blocked? Is my mucus or lining sub-standard?

Once again, just waiting for a diagnosis.

Always waiting, waiting...

442 days later

442 days off the pill
348 days trying to conceive
11 unsuccessful cycles

At first as soon as I ovulated and Fertility Friend would tell me my due date, I would start planning. Due in March - Spring. Due in April - maybe will share a birthday with my husband. Due in May - maybe will share a birthday with me? Due in June - long summer days.

But month after month, I kept on seeing the one single line on the pregnancy test. It seemed aggressively negative.

We have tried:
The Fertility Diet
Temping
LH testing
Saliva testing
Guaifenesin
Pre-Seed
Pre-Conceive plus
FertilAide for Men
FertileCM Supplement

And still nothing.

So, not as easy we had originally thought. Something is obviously wrong. This cycle will make 12, and after that we will be officially infertile. We have our first appointment with the Fertility Centre in 17 days. Hopefully we will get a diagnosis, and hopefully technology will be able to treat it.

For us at the moment, controlling prenatal health is the most important factor for us. So if it is an issue of bad sperm or eggs, we are open to the possibility of donor gametes or donor embryos.
Right now, I just want a diagnosis. Then I can start to strategise. I hate not knowing what is wrong, because then I don't know how to fix it.

I have Melissa Ford's Navigating the Land of IF as my road-map to this unexpected destination. So far, it has been a great source of comfort and information. The introduction reads:

"...while you're here, you should know that you have a friend, in book form, to turn to in the middle of the night, when the sea monsters offshore start howling and you just wish you were home."