39w0d: Full term

Still pregnant, no signs of labour yet. Feeling so thankful that we have made it so far with relatively few problems.

My maternity leave started today, and as I can barely walk for 5 minutes without discomfort, I am spending a great deal of time on the couch.

I have another fetal monitoring session tomorrow - 30 minutes of listening to the heartbeat and watching my painless Braxton-Hicks contractions that are coming every 10 minutes or so.

We have a big, posterior baby, so labour is not going to be short or easy. I am planning on taking as many drugs as possible to get me through.

All in all, very happy and thankful, still in disbelief that a child will be joining our family and we are soon to be parents. We both feel that it is much more likely that I will just remain pregnant forever.

28w5d: Third Trimester

I have finally arrived in the third trimester, and things are still going well. I have puffy ankles and constant heartburn, and the occasional backache, but no major problems.

Last week I had my glucose test. I know that a lot of women complain about it, but for me it felt like a right of passage. It's an experience that I had read about so many times, it seemed surreal to be sitting there with all the other pregnant ladies, drinking my sugar drink and waiting the hour for my test. I haven't heard back from my doctor, so I'm figuring that no news is good news.

The little guy is wriggling all around, so reassuring to get a little poke every hour or so to let me know that he's doing okay. I love sitting on the couch with my hand on my belly, feeling him press against my skin. It is so difficult to refrain from doing so while in business meetings when I can feel him bouncing around in there.

The nursery is finished - cot, rocking bassinet, changing table. Some friends are throwing me a small baby shower next month, which is very unusual in Europe - many people consider it bad luck to give gifts before a birth. Sometimes I feel a little presumptuous too, decorating a room for a person who has yet to arrive in this world, and it's hard to believe that in less than three months we could be parents.

Ye every day his chances of survival increase if he were born prematurely, every day his kicks feel stronger, ad every day I can feel my womb expand as he grows.

Eleven weeks to go.

16w1d: Up to speed

I had a great check-up yesterday. The doctor kindly explained that they couldn't do a routine 16 week ultrasound for everyone, but she would do a uterus palpatation, fundal height measurement, and a doppler check. If any of those looked off, then she would send me for a scan.

She said that she could feel my uterus sitting just underneath my belly button, and showed me how to feel it myself. My fundal height was 14 cm (at 16 weeks it should be 16cm +/- 2cm). She had a great deal of difficulty finding the heartbeat, which made me feel better about having trouble with my home doppler. She found the soft wooshing of the ubilical cord pulse quite easily, and some sporadic sloshes of the fetus moving, and finally about 20 seconds of the loud galloping fetal heartbeat at 160 bpm, before the fetus swam away again.

I know that we didn't get an ultrasound, but all in all I felt very reassured. The doctor seemed so calm and confident that I felt like any other pregnant woman in for a routine check-up.

And now only four weeks to go until we reach the half-way point and our big 20 week morphology scan.

CD27: Here today, gone tomorrow

On Friday night before a night out on the town, I figured I may as well take a home pregnancy test. I told myself that I had a special feeling about this cycle. There is something so anxiety-inducing about that 10 minute wait for the test to develop. I had an argument with myself - was I foolish for holding out hope during a natural cycle, or could I feel that something was different?

I looked down at the test, and caught my breath. Was it there? Was it not there? Perhaps there was perhaps a very tiny second line. The smallest, thinnest positive I have ever seen. I took a photo, and popped it in my purse to show my husband. Yes, I carry around urine-stained antibody tests in my handbag.

I added 36 weeks to get the date of June 24 2011. I wandered into the spare room and imagined it as a nursery. I showed my husband and eventually convinced him there was a second line. But there was no card this time, no talk of maternity leave or childcare. We both agreed to wait it out and see what had happened. After a chemical pregnancy and a miscarriage, we have been bitten by two lines before.





This morning, I woke up early full of excitement. All night I had been dreaming of a June baby, and so happy that I didn't have any more injections, follicle counts, or embryo transfers ahead of me. No waiting by the phone each afternoon for the results, no hoping that our frozen embryo defrosts, no two week wait. I was already one month into my nine month pregnancy.

My pregnancy test was waiting for me, and I watched it develop with anticipation, waiting for that second line to burst into colour. Three minutes past - no second line. And then ten minutes past, and there was still no second line.

I was no longer pregnant.

Once again, we have seen two pink lines only to have our hopes dashed.

Fading

Friday: The midwife at my infertility clinic called me to schedule my laparoscopy. I told her that I had a positive pregnancy test, so I probably should cancel the appointment. She congratulated me, and I asked her to pass the news onto the professor.

Saturday: I went for a walk through the park in the sunshine. I felt happy and full of hope. My womb felt like it was tugging and stretching. As I fell asleep I had to sleep on my back, because my breasts were so sore.

Today: In the absence of a blood test, I took another pregnancy test. I was hoping that the line would be twice as dark as the one that I took 48 hours ago.

Instead, the line is fading, and my spotting is increasing. Things are not looking good for the little poppy seed.