Unbelievable

-1 dpo (days post ovulation)
I have my final Menopur injection, and a Pregnyl shot to trigger the release from a single 16.1 mm follicle. It is on my right ovary, the one with the partly blocked tube. My endometrium is a very thin 6.7 mm. It looks gloomy.

0 dpo
I have a romantic evening with my husband.

2 dpo
I get a call from the clinic telling me that our frozen embryo didn't make it, and our FET is cancelled. They tell me they can't book me in for a follow-up consultation for another seven weeks.

9 dpo
My husband leaves for a conference in a developing country with no phone contact and sporadic dial-up internet.

14 dpo
I am alone in the house. I figure there's no one there to laugh at me when I pee on a stick. This way it won't be such a shock when I get my period today. However, I look down, and I see the strangest thing:

A spectacular positive test. I had to blink several times, I was sure I was dreaming or hallucinating. No squinting, no colour correction (unlike all the other times). Two very strong lines. Then I remember the 5,000 U Pregnyl trigger 14 days ago. Is it just the trigger? No, it's too strong, and a 10,000 U Pregnyl shot was out of my system by 12 days during my last IVF. So then it must be real.

My husband doesn't respond to any of my text messages. I email a picture to him, but it is a long eight hours until I get his excited reply. He tells me that he secretly had his hopes up for this cycle.

I should make an appointment to get a blood test, but it feels too surreal. I tell myself I'll test again tomorrow and see how that looks.

15 dpo
Well, there's no mistaking this test for anything else:

It still doesn't seem real, and it takes me nine hours to psych myself up to call up the fertility clinic and tell them the news. I was sure that they were going to yell at me for being delusional and making up stories, but instead I hear a smile in her voice as she books me in for a blood test.

16 dpo
I go in for my blood test, so nervous as I watch my blood fill the tube. It looks like the same old blood that I've always had. I can't see any hCG antigens floating around. I make the poor nurse check three times that the tube has my name on it and that they are going to check for hCG, not just LH and FSH.

The clinic surprises me by calling at 11:13 AM. I didn't even have time to get nervous. She tells me that I have a beta of:

1,097

I am in shock. Last time I was pregnant we had a beta of 477 at 20 dpo. A beta of 1097 falls in the top 4% of singleton betas at 16 days post ovulation. My progestrone is great at 31.0. She books me in for another test in a week.

19 dpo
I am tired and sleepy, but then again I am always tired and sleepy. No spotting, no sore breasts, no nausea. Apart from the lack of a period, I do not feel any different. I suspect this is some sort of trickery. I take another pregnancy test at 2 weeks, 5 days post ovulation. I believe it for about 5 minutes.




23 dpo
I go in for my blood test, and again make the nurse triple-check that the label is correct on my tube is blood. I work from home because I can't imagine taking this call in an open office, plus I am too nervous to concentrate properly on anything else. By 12:30 they still haven't called. The later they call in the day, the worse the news, right? At 12:37 my phone rings. I pick it up with shaking hands.

Calmly the nurse tells me that everything looks good, and I am graduating from the clinic. I need to make an appointment with gynecology for an 8 week scan. I am in shock. I ask her for my beta number. "The gynecology number?", she asks. No, the hCG number. She tells me it is:

13,843

Which works out to a very respectable doubling time of 45.93 hours. My progesterone still looks good at 31.4. I beg her to let me pop in for a quick search for a heartbeat, but she says that their work is done.

After sharing the news with my husband, I sit and stare at the screen for about an hour. Then I pick up the phone and ring the gynecology department and book an 8 week scan like any other normal woman would.

28 dpo
Today. I still don't know what to think. I always thought that pregnancy was what happened to other women. I still don't quite understand how we got this fortunate. The embryo failed to thaw. The follicle was on the wrong side. My endometrium was too thin. This is just so unbelievable.

So how do I feel? Tremendously excited. Hopeful. Thankful. Lucky. Worried. Happy.

(If you somehow know me in real life, please keep this information to yourself).

CD27: Here today, gone tomorrow

On Friday night before a night out on the town, I figured I may as well take a home pregnancy test. I told myself that I had a special feeling about this cycle. There is something so anxiety-inducing about that 10 minute wait for the test to develop. I had an argument with myself - was I foolish for holding out hope during a natural cycle, or could I feel that something was different?

I looked down at the test, and caught my breath. Was it there? Was it not there? Perhaps there was perhaps a very tiny second line. The smallest, thinnest positive I have ever seen. I took a photo, and popped it in my purse to show my husband. Yes, I carry around urine-stained antibody tests in my handbag.

I added 36 weeks to get the date of June 24 2011. I wandered into the spare room and imagined it as a nursery. I showed my husband and eventually convinced him there was a second line. But there was no card this time, no talk of maternity leave or childcare. We both agreed to wait it out and see what had happened. After a chemical pregnancy and a miscarriage, we have been bitten by two lines before.





This morning, I woke up early full of excitement. All night I had been dreaming of a June baby, and so happy that I didn't have any more injections, follicle counts, or embryo transfers ahead of me. No waiting by the phone each afternoon for the results, no hoping that our frozen embryo defrosts, no two week wait. I was already one month into my nine month pregnancy.

My pregnancy test was waiting for me, and I watched it develop with anticipation, waiting for that second line to burst into colour. Three minutes past - no second line. And then ten minutes past, and there was still no second line.

I was no longer pregnant.

Once again, we have seen two pink lines only to have our hopes dashed.

Break cycle: 16dpo: BFP

I have over 25 IU/L of HCG in my urine. It's not due to a trigger shot. I guess that means I'm pregnant.

I was going to enjoy this break before IVF. To not worry about trying to conceive and just appreciate all the wonderful things I had in my life. I did not renew my VIP Fertility Friend membership. I was going to go back to my lifestyle when I was back on the pill. In fact, I would have gone back on the pill but my RE said that 40 days is the maximum length of time for their long IVF protocol. So my new crazy lifestyle included:

• Drinking three glasses of wine a week
  
• Sleeping with the electric blanket on
  
• Skipping my pre-natal vitamins
  
• Skipping my omega-3 capsules
  
• Drinking coffee
  
• Drinking tea
  
• Eating McDonalds

I kept an eye on my temperatures because my ovulation date fluctuates wildly, and I wanted to know when my period arrives.

But when it reached 14 days past ovulation, and my temperature was still high, I was puzzled. I looked back at my chart, and my thermal shift was very clear. Is it crazy to take a pregnancy test? Yes, I thought, but, no, 14 days post ovulation is a perfectly normal time to test. So I pulled out a Digital Test, glad it would give me a definitive answer. This way I would know that it was safe to drink at my friend's birthday party that evening.

But three minutes later, it said



Of course, not having the VIP Fertility Friend membership, it took me a few minutes to find somewhere that would calculate my due date. Due date. How odd.

I started to shake, and quickly wrote out a little card for my husband saying "I am pregnant. I am due January 18 2011.". He took forever to get out of the shower, but when I gave him the card he said "Wow." then "1-2 babies?" and then pointed out that they should have a small advantage due to their date of birth, as a child born at the beginning of the year is slightly more mature than their peers. Which is one of the reasons why I love my husband very much.

But I had yet to see those two pink lines. How dark was this second line? I went to the pharmacy and asked for four "tests de grossesses", because they keep them behind the counter here. The guy gave me a strange look. "Four?", but slowly opened up a new box and handed them over.

All night I dreamed that I was taking that test, but I could never see the result, and ended up going through hundreds of sticks. Finally, it was 6am. I took the test.

It is faint. But it is there.



Now I need to wait until tomorrow.

Last time I was pregnant it lasted for 19 days post ovulation. The line never got darker.

Is this going to be another chemical pregnancy? Or is this one going to stick?

Zwanger

Yesterday afternoon, I picked up a digital pregnancy test, or a "test de grossesse / zwangerschapstest"" as they are known here in Belgium. Sixteen euros. Sheesh. Luckily, instead of trying to fit "enciente/ pas enciente; zwanger / niet zwanger; gravid / ikke er gravid" into the tiny window, there is simply a plus or a minus. So I come home, and use the fancy test. The hour glass flashes, and I put it down to wait. Three minutes later, I return, and I think that I catch a glimpse of a minus sign. Yep, I think, that's more like it.

But then I pick it up, and this is what I see:



It still feels very academic to me. Like this stick that I'm holding is referring to someone else. I still don't feel any difference - just some very mild pre-period cramping.

Still, I know I have to tell my husband. Maybe that will make it real. I pop out to a local baby store. It takes me a long time to walk in. Once in, I feel as if everyone is looking at me. After a long deliberation, I pick up a cute bear onsie for newborns. It looks disturbingly large. I come home, wrap it up, write a note, and order pizza.

Over dinner, my husband tells me about his day. I am terrified of telling him. I still don't feel like it's true, and that I am jumping the gun or making it up. So I give him the gift, and a card that says "I am pregnant. I am due on the 9th of May, 2010. I love you". He looks at me with wonder and amazement, and pulls me over to the couch. "Wow", he says, as we touch noses. I can't stop holding the positive pregnancy test. It is the only evidence that anything is difference. We spend the rest of the evening discussing wills and life insurance and maternity leave and childcare. It still doesn't seem real.

Pale pink line

So, this cycle I ovulated sometime after cycle day 13. I had a positive luteinizing hormone rise at day 12, but no temperature rise until day 18. If I did ovulate at day 13, then today I am 18 days into my luteal phase. I took a pregnancy test 14 days past my LH surge, when my period was due, but it was completely negative, as usual. I also noticed I had some spotting and cramping, and thus had a few glasses of wine and a cup of coffee, and waited for my period to show up. Today, four days later, it still isn't here. My pregnancy tests will expire in two months, so I figured, why not use another one, even though my temperature is falling.

I remember reading that usually the second line shows up straight away. But mine, as usual, fades to white. I put it down, but then a few minutes pick it back up again. If I look very, very carefully, there appears to be an extremely faint second line. So faint, I must be hallucinating. I pull up the Fertility Friend gallery of very faint positive pregnancy tests, and they all look darker than mine. I pull it out again. It's more than a shadow than a line. The test strip cost a dollar from the internet, is over a year old, and has been shipped over two continents. It's probably not very accurate.

I have had no other signs. No nausea or sore breasts or anything. I feel completely normal.

If it is positive and I had a healthy pregnancy, I would give birth on the 9th of May 2010. That is far too soon and too real and too scary. My hands shake at the thought. It's all too soon. I'm not ready.

So I will test again this afternoon, and we shall see then. But I might pick up the strip and look at it again.

Hmmm...