IVF#1: BFN

Well, it's official. After getting my period yesterday, I was expecting a zero on my beta today, and that's what I got: Not pregnant. I was quite sad yesterday, which worried my husband. He doesn't like seeing me so down, and just wants me to be happy. But I can tell that he will make a wonderful father, so I think it is appropriate for me to be disappointed that I won't get to see him in that role just yet.

The nurse told me that I could start my FET cycle right away if I wanted, but annoyingly I will be away for work next week, so it will have to wait another month. We are always waiting, aren't we?

We have my follow-up consultation with the head of the clinic on Thursday. To summarise this cycle: BCPs, Suprefact supression, 14 days 150u Menopur, 9 eggs retrieved, 7 mature, 7 fertilised (without ICSI), a Day 3 transfer of a 7-celled embryo, and a single 6-celled embryo frozen.

These are my questions for the Professor:

FET cycle
• How fragmented was our 6-cell embryo at freeze?
• What are the chances that this embryo will survive the thaw?

Next fresh cycle
• Given that no embryo reached the 8-cell stage, what are our chances of success in future fresh cycles?
    o Does our history of a chemical pregnancy and miscarriage influence this?
• Will I be on a different drug regime next time around?

Donor embryos
• Can you tell us about your frozen embryo program?
    o Does the six month waiting period apply for every frozen donor embryo transfer?
    o What criteria do you use to match couples with embryos?
• Can we sign up for donor embryos now while still attempting our own cycles?

Thank-you all for your support during this difficult process. Can you guys suggest any other questions that you think might be appropriate to ask?

IVF#1: 11dp3dt: One pink line

I tested this morning and I got a single pink line. We're going to wait until my Beta on Monday for the official announcement, but it looks like this cycle is a bust. I am sad and disappointed, but if something is going to go badly, I would rather it happen early rather than late.

My friend Emma sent me an email yesterday. One month ago she told me she was 18 weeks pregnant, and I felt like she had betrayed me by conceiving as soon as she started trying, and stealing my due date in January. Two weeks ago I heard that things didn’t look good on the ultrasound. And yesterday she told me that she delivered her beautiful baby girl at 22 weeks. They held her, said farewell, and then left the maternity ward empty handed.

I feel guilty at the anger I felt after her pregnancy announcement. How I said that I wanted both of us to be part of this Infertility and Loss community. How I wanted her to understand that the road to that first birthday is long and hard for so many of us. Well, now she understands it better than most. She’s part of the club now, just like I wanted (though my husband reminds me I never would have wished this on her).

My heart aches for her. Although I can’t imagine what she is going through, I am thankful for the blogs of women like Busted Babymaker and Awful but Functioning who have so graciously documented their grieving and opened their hearts to the world. Through their words, I am able to get a better understanding of what Emma is experiencing, and understand that this grief may be part of her forever. I sent her a letter of condolences, a candle, and gave her the address of Glow in the Woods . I wish that there was more that I could do.