Friday, 17 September 2010

IVF#1: 11dp3dt: One pink line



I tested this morning and I got a single pink line. We're going to wait until my Beta on Monday for the official announcement, but it looks like this cycle is a bust. I am sad and disappointed, but if something is going to go badly, I would rather it happen early rather than late.

My friend Emma sent me an email yesterday. One month ago she told me she was 18 weeks pregnant, and I felt like she had betrayed me by conceiving as soon as she started trying, and stealing my due date in January. Two weeks ago I heard that things didn’t look good on the ultrasound. And yesterday she told me that she delivered her beautiful baby girl at 22 weeks. They held her, said farewell, and then left the maternity ward empty handed.

I feel guilty at the anger I felt after her pregnancy announcement. How I said that I wanted both of us to be part of this Infertility and Loss community. How I wanted her to understand that the road to that first birthday is long and hard for so many of us. Well, now she understands it better than most. She’s part of the club now, just like I wanted (though my husband reminds me I never would have wished this on her).

My heart aches for her. Although I can’t imagine what she is going through, I am thankful for the blogs of women like Busted Babymaker and Awful but Functioning who have so graciously documented their grieving and opened their hearts to the world. Through their words, I am able to get a better understanding of what Emma is experiencing, and understand that this grief may be part of her forever. I sent her a letter of condolences, a candle, and gave her the address of Glow in the Woods . I wish that there was more that I could do.

9 comments:

  1. I am so sorry for your friend. I cannot imagine what they are going through.

    I am sorry to that your cycle may be a bust. But it is still early for the test to show. I will hold out hope until Monday.

    Thank you for your sweet words on Missy. Your support means a lot.

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  2. I am so sorry for your friend's loss :( How very sad for them.

    And I am sad for you too! It is so hard to want something so badly & month after month it just doesn't happen :( I will continue to pray that things turn out differently for you on Monday & perhaps you just have a late implanter in there!? :)

    Hugs - Heather

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  3. What a horrible story about your friend. I know just how you feel because I had a similar situation with a friend who became pg after only one month of trying, but she miscarried, then had to wait almost 2 years to try to conceive again because her HCG level remained elevated. She is now finally trying again.

    It's such a complex set of emotions, and we're so misunderstood by others who haven't walked in our shoes that it's difficult not to have feelings of unfairness and frustration when others don't struggle at achieving what we want so badly and cannot seem to find.

    So sorry about your single pink line. I just hate that every IVF can't end in good news. It is still early, so maybe your beta will surprise you. I have my fingers crossed for you.

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  4. ((((BIG HUG)))) Will be thinking of you on Monday.

    So sorry for your friends heartbreaking loss, it sounds very similar to a good friend of mine who also delivered her daughter at 22 weeks after she died in the womb due to fluid around her organs. She concieved accidentally prior to my first IVF cycle and I had a hard time coping with it so distanced myself when it happened and felt so bad when they lost her. But I don't let myself feel guilty. Jealousy is all a part of IF and it doesn't mean we would ever wish anything bad to come of their pregnancies, only that we wish we could be a part of the club ourselves. Hang in there sweety.

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  5. Oh, I am so sorry it's not looking good for you for this cycle. I know that at 11dp3dt transfer with only one line you are probably losing hope rapidly. However it turns out, know that we will be here for you.

    And I can totally understand your feelings towards your friend. Every time I see a pregant woman now I wish I could just pass a law: "no more pregnanices until I get to join the club." But it's especially rough when we feel it's so unfair that other women can have it easy only to discover that sometimes things don't turn out that way. I hope your friend, and YOU, oh, and ME, all get to take home some babies real soon!

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  6. So sorry to hear about your friend Emma. I am sure the loss is really hard for her and I am glad you are finding ways to reach out.

    I am sorry, too, about your single line. It's so heartbreaking and I am so sorry.

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  7. How awful for both you and your friend. Something bad showing up on the anatomy scan was a huge fear for me. And so was every BFN.
    I wish you'd gotten more embryos from your cycle so you could have more good ones for FETs. I wonder if you'd get more with a different protocol? At least they'll learn more about your body's response with each cycle you do.

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  8. Firstly i'm just catching up on your posts and I'm so sorry about the singular line. I read your previous post with tears in my eyes as I identified with every word. You sound like a really brave woman and I wish this ivf cycle had a different outcome. I can only hope that a miracle happens on Monday and you get a nice suprise bfp.
    As for your friend, my heart just sank. It must be so horrifying for her, I can't imagine how broken she'd feel having to say goodbye to her baby far too early. I think you are an amazing friend and your letter and candle were an amazing gesture. She's lucky to have you. Thinking of you and your friend.

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  9. :-( So sorry for you. Sorry for your friend. Too many broken hearts and single lines.

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